By this time tomorrow I expect to be a genius

Oh boy, oh boy, it’s here! My shiny new CPAP machine — the marvel of medical technology that’s going to change my life! And make me look like an alien for eight hours a day!

As you may have previously read, I’ve been diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. It’s a breathing disorder involving a blockage of the airway during sleep, which interferes with healthy breathing patterns, resulting in poor sleep quality, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating. It can also lead to more serious medical conditions.

The treatment is this thing I’m wearing: a breathing mask attached to a CPAP machine. The CPAP pumps air (at low pressure) into this mask and hence into me, which helps keep the airway open. I’ve been told by every doctor, nurse, and technician that CPAPs make a marvelous difference in a patient’s quality of life: better sleep, more energy and alertness, etc.

Starting tonight, I get to wear the CPAP while I’m sleeping. So I figure that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll be a bundle of energy and productivity. By this weekend, I expect to finish and publish my first novel. Which will soon take home a Pulitzer Prize. The Nobel, Oscar, Grammy, and maybe the odd James Beard or Lindenberg Medal* should follow. And no, it doesn’t matter whether those awards will actually be given this month; my newfound genius should overcome such minor obstacles.

(*”For conspicuous service to philately,” as if you didn’t know.)

In anticipation of this encomial flood, I’m clearing space on my mantelpiece next to my 2009 Donald M. Murray Journalism Award and my 1985 Ann Arbor Recreation Department Co-Rec Slow Pitch Softball Friday Yellow Division championship plaque.

So check me out tomorrow, and prepare to be amazed.